SURVIVAL EGO

13-11-2019



Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m not putting up with it; any of it. How dare you come into my world and try do me like this. Who do you think you are? ... don’t answer that. It’s obviously rhetorical. You’re not me so I don’t really give a shit who you are. Who is ‘me’ you ask? I’m a self-loathing, people-loathing, world-loathing, life-loathing piece of shit.

Well I was; And I’m alive because of it.

Let me explain.

Living in a world where we’re constantly bashed mentally and emotionally is one thing.

Add on top of that living with depression/anxiety in an un-accepting/un-knowledgeable world, full of harsh soul stripping judgement, whilst surrounded by a fierce simultaneous rise in greed and self-loathing... You get the picture, we’ve been through this, the world can seem a pretty damn messed up place if you’re not in a great place within yourself.

Now let me make one thing clear here and think about this consciously. When you’re in a massive state of depression and/or anxiety - you don’t need anything external to tip you over the edge... You’re already hanging there, with the possibility of falling so seemingly imminent. Now add the external pressures of society. Driving you, forcing you, pulling you, pushing you; holding you down face first so your vision holds nothing but the view of the fall and what dark inevitable truth lies at the bottom.

Right, so your inner demons are hard enough by themselves with thought you may not even make it through tonight; let alone when you add the external pressures. How the fuck is this going to work? How does one survive that? Can you really sit back and wonder why suicide rates have increased massively over the years? Why we keep losing our friends and family to this darkness? Why mental health problems have become the number one biggest issue Doctors have to deal with at clinics on a day to day basis? This is some real talk here, but if you can’t see even slight signs of this already - you’re either a fucking idiot, or your eyes are closed. I trust you know better though, after all you are reading this stuff, so you should know at least a little by now, right?

For me; let me take you back a bit - I wasn’t going to survive in this world going the way I was.. I was so close to letting go from the edge of that cliff and falling to that dark inevitable truth. Yes, I’m saying there was a point in time that I felt suicidal. I needed something else.

I needed saving. I needed a saviour. I needed a superhero. I needed anything - just give me anything please!! The harsh truth was that there was no saviour for me. No one was coming to save me or help me or anything. I was alone, or at least that’s what I believed; but the world doesn’t stop spinning for anyone and I still needed to face it.

Enter the Ego.

I’m Sagittarius, so naturally, I already have a huge ego. It was from there that my sub-conscious saw an opportunity within myself. Remember the part where I needed saving from this shit and I would take any help I could get? I never knew it at the time but I curated what I now call my SURVIVAL EGO. I needed to be held up, so why not exaggerate the innate protection that’s already within me and build 20 foot walls of steel with it. On one hand I thought I had no other option and on the other hand I had no idea I was even doing it.

I seemed to have created eyes that perceived the world as wrong. Everything to do with it. If the world was wrong and I was right, then I could feel a sense of healing and self-worth within myself. I talked everything and everyone down. Not to their face of course, just in my mind. I stripped apart the very being that I am to continue to fuel myself as I veered toward empty, and it was working. I became stronger within myself, I became more vigilant. I suppressed nothing because I deflected everything before it got to me. I was invincible; But I was also incapable of feeling. I was incapable of love. I was incapable of real friendships. I was incapable of any form of connection. I was alive, but I was alone. I had no near sight of any partner, I lost touch with all my friends, I had a dimming connection with my family and everything else around me suffered consequently. As time passed and I grew stronger within myself I started to regain a slight glimmer of mental clarity. It was in these shining thoughts that I saw the truth of who I was. I was a horrible person.

In later reflection I could see that I sacrificed who I was to survive, which I’m thankful for but I went about it the wrong way. I was forced down a dark path because of the roadblocks and obstacles I set for myself - I didn’t talk to anyone because I thought no one cared or no one would listen, I thought I’d seem weak, I pushed people who tried to help away in fear that I'd hurt them, I wasn't fully open to accepting that I was in a bad place and needed the RIGHT help. Holding this ego made me think I was right all the time when in actuality I believe we need to see that we're wrong all the time, but only in a good light. If we see that we're wrong in a good light then we can adjust, learn and grow. This is how we progress as a people and as a humanity. It was those thoughts where I realised the ego was wrong and I had to let it go for good.

It’s been a hard road losing the brute-force of an ego that I conjured. But it’s been a healing path of light and truth. I’ve learnt so many lessons along the way, all of which I try to hand on to those who are willing to listen. I don’t recommend this path by any means. I wish I hadn’t have set those roadblocks for myself. I wish I hadn’t of been afraid to talk. I wish I hadn’t of pushed people away. I wish I had have asked for help and allowed it.

Life will keep throwing shit as it always does. But the difference for me is my true inner strength and knowledge. I know how to face things as they arise, I know when to stop and self-care, I know when to ask for help, I know when to talk. All of these things are what I consider the right way to go about this.

If you’re there. If you’re facing a dark path. Let’s take action. If you’re a serious case and it’s the last lap, please seek help - it will all get better if you allow, no matter how dark things are. Even if you just have a bit of a funny feeling inside and you’re unsure of what it is or how to deal with it; please, I urge you to look into it, and don’t allow it to manifest into something bigger. Don’t allow anything to compromise who you are as a person. Life is worth living to its fullest. Look after yourself, maintain that vehicle of yours.




Live in the light
x




ART BY SUGA
@_cryin_demon_














JESSE

TEINAKI