PAST THE PAST

13-01-2020



Yo, so it’s the year 2020... now I don’t know about you but when I see or hear that shit it seriously doesn’t sound like we’re living in it right now. 2020 sounds like some futuristic scene I’m seeing in a movie. But nah, we here... apparently… time is flying by so fast, as we’ve discussed recently (Entry 11: A Moment In Time). Which gets me thinking about the road ahead - like shit, I’m travelling down this road at top speed, what’s around the corner?

Now we’ve also covered (in Entry 2) what I call the Rear View Mirror Theory. The entry mentions the past; and although it being such a massive part of your make up and story until now, it also very firmly stands behind you and is only a small part of you progressing forward.

Right; now I want to try keep this one short.

I’m on a whole new energy this year. It’s refreshing, revitalising, soul growing and heaps of other amazing things that describe that positive beast mode sonnn! The decision to make this year exactly what I described required me to have a quick look into my past. Not into what I’ve done in terms of actions or timeline moves exactly; but a reflection on my perspective at certain points in time.

I’ve been caught, as I’m sure so many people have, with holding on to the past; not letting shit go, and unnecessarily letting it weigh me down. I allowed relationships to lag due to my stubborn thoughts on something they did in the past, even if they weren’t doing that thing currently. I allowed hurt that I’ve caused in a situation to hold me back from ever involving myself in that situation again, in fear of recreating a past mistake. A huge one is that I allow disappointment take over my being as I reflect on what I used to do which lead me to where I am now, even if I’m currently trying to change that. For a PG example - my fitness... I used to continuously work on my fitness and was constantly in shape, whereas now I feel like I have the cardiovascular peak of a fetus. As I go for a run and seem slow, or go to a gym and seem weak; I feel like giving up. It took me so long to realise the amazing thought of ‘hey, I’m not where I used to be, I need to start again, and that’s okay’. Ever since the adoption of that mentality, my progress has improved tenfold.

I thought to myself if I can adopt such a mentality within this situation, acknowledge but move on from my past, surely I can apply this to other situations within my life. How about relationships? Shit that I’ve done, hurt that I’ve caused, I need to acknowledge it and the wrong within it, forgive myself and let it go, then start again and rebuild (because as we know, we need to be whole within ourselves to work with someone else). Shit that other people have done or seeing who they used to be and what they did as opposed to who they are now and what they do. Acknowledge, accept and move on. Some things can be unforgivable, I get that. But in those situations we let that unforgivable thing infect surrounding situations and relationships that didn’t cause us that pain. Acknowledgement, acceptance and understanding will help in this scenario.

A huge point I want to make is learning to forgive yourself. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve fucked up a lot of times. While yes I’ve moved on and become, not perfect, but a lot better person - I never learned to forgive myself. Ever. And to be honest it’s what weighed me down for years. It’s part of the reason I entered such a fierce depression, it’s where my self-bashing came from and it built a Manny the mammoth amount of fear and insecurity within myself which as you can see just turns into a slippery slope.

I’m still learning to forgive. I can give you an update when I figure it out if you’d like but I can assure you of one thing right now; already, I feel so much lighter and I’m only just beginning. I’ve been letting the weight of the past weigh me down to the depths and hold me there when in reality I can never change it or alter it in any way. I can only acknowledge, accept and move on. I’ve written about my timeline and how I hadn’t reached the goals I wanted by certain ages; I’ve forgiven myself for not reaching that intended goal. I’ve forgiven myself for wasting time. I’ve forgiven myself for not being open and honest. A huge one for me is that I’ve forgiven myself for not accepting love. I was never one to let people in or accept love. I’m not saying I want it all in cockiness. I love, I have a massive amount of love to give and when I do, I love hard. It’s about time, as long as it’s genuine, for me to receive love openly.

So in conclusion. I’m letting go of the weight and I’m so much more free.

2020 is going to be a whole ass vibe.

Bring it on x




PHOTOGRAPHY BY REEFOCUS
@RISERSMEDIA














JESSE

TEINAKI