I’ve done so much work on myself, I’ve progressed so far - so why am I out here flat as hell and on my ass again..? I feel like I’m playing Snakes & Ladders and once again, on my steps forward, I’ve landed on a Snake and been sent spiralling back toward the beginning…

Let’s back it up a little and take a look..

Yeah okay so for a damn while I've been good, no doubt about that. The second half of 2019 for me was purely about self-growth and reinstating self-love with longevity. Yes, it took a little longer than most fixes would... but there were no shortcuts, I didn't try and cheat my way ahead. So here I am. Confident enough to finally back myself for the first time in my life and within my possession I hold a toolkit that will help me in times of need.

Think of this toolkit like a First Aid Kit; if you're smart and prepared, you'll have one at the ready. A lot of people these days still think it's uncool, but I tell you what, you soon learn how crucial they are when shit hits the fan. You hurt yourself, you have a kit at the ready to help tend to the wounds, to help you heal. It's detailed in which items you can use for which painful scenario you endure and has a list of instructions for applying such treatment.

The toolkit I hold is similar. For every harmful situation I've experienced in my life, I have also found a remedy - hence why I'm still here, alive. I've always found a treatment, a solution for the problem, a map to exit the impossible maze. All of these solutions, remedies, tips and tricks I've noted, and I keep safely in my toolkit. I hold these closely so that if one day, unannounced, I get slapped with facing a problem I wasn't expecting, I'll have all these tools right there at the ready to help me through it. Now most of the time they work perfectly. I've faced a lot of things in my short life so far and luckily, for me, I've been able to progress through them all. But... although this toolkit is amazing, it's not quite complete. Looking at this scenario with maturity, while I fully agree with it, I always knew that there would be so many trials ahead of me that I am bound to endure and not be ready for. While yes, I can step out of darkness a lot easier now, in a situation I've already encountered (which I feel is so incredibly important).. I always knew that something new was waiting for me right around the corner.

Enter the relapse.

As we discussed - it’s 2020 now and the energy for this year is huge. I knew deep down I was to progress and make some advancements within my life this year and in the early weeks of January it was already prominent. I could feel it in the universe, urging me to take risks and fly high. I had done the work within myself to reach this point of self-courage. So, with the universe also in check, how could I not push. I pushed and pushed some more. Which lead me here. Work ethic is in my nature and my current schedule reflects that perfectly. I have so many amazing things lined up for the first half of this year alone. What is to unfold soon is my calling, it’s my power. But as we all know with great power, comes great responsibility. We all know that if we push the threshold then we must face the pressures. For me there are a few...

Did I say a few? Well that’s where it started anyway; normal, natural, expected pressures. It’s all good - I have my toolkit, I’ll be alright, I’m getting by. I knew when to take a break from social media for a bit, I knew when to rest my physical body, I’ve been to float tank therapy and journaled and processed everything accordingly. We good, right? It’s just a few pressures… but then a few more pressures came; then new and unexpected pressures came; and then a few more pressures came; soon I was holding the pressure because there was too much pressure... My anxiety was peaking, my self-worth was rapidly depleting, my physical health was taking a hit, it was all snowballing into my destruction. Or should I say - it is right now. Because yes, this is something I’m facing right now. It doesn’t matter how many things we progress through; the dark wolf will always linger. We just need to learn to adjust and learn the ability of positive progression; we need to fill our toolkit.

Okay side bar - Think of your mental health kinda like the common cold... we all get sick with the flu every now and then due to either running ourselves into the ground or from external influences out of our control. Now we all know that our health will return to 100% if we take care of ourselves and rest. We also now know that even though we beat the cold and get better that it will come back again. When it does, we repeat the process of rest and self-care. Our mental health is the exact same. When our mental health is falling, we must take the time to rest accordingly and apply a generous amount of self-care to return to 100%. And, also like the cold, it will come back every now and then, and we are to treat it the same. So, my first point is - don’t expect this journey to be one and done, unfortunately you must stay on top of it. My second point being that you need to take care of your mental health, or, like the cold, it will get worse.

Right, so back on track - What do you do when you don’t have the answers for what you’re going through?

Obviously, everyone is different, but I think for me my next step will be to break it down. While my toolkit doesn’t hold the right remedy to blanket heal this whole scenario straight away... it sure as hell has the power within to heal certain areas piece by piece. So - ima take time to rest for my health, ima journal to seek my mental clarity, ima include exercise to release endorphins and create the energy of accomplishment, ima write my list of gratitude; and most importantly ima keep fighting. (We’ve talked about how the weight of wanting to give up will never help you succeed, ever).

We give up and we put all our hard work to waste. We give up and we let the darkness win. We give up and we let all the good in our life sink at the cost of one issue.

Now I don’t know about you - but I sure as hell ain’t about to sit here and let that happen. One of the most powerful tools in my kit is gratitude. Gratitude is one of the most beautiful powers in this world. When trouble comes, when darkness enters, when anxiety takes over, we tend to focus on the negative. We lose sight of the positive gains and achievements. BUT in saying that - when we feel these weights upon us, 9 times out of 10 if we focus on our gratitude for all the positives in our life, we will find a seemingly hidden but now obvious power. A power that makes us think like, shit man I’m out here doing this for a reason. That these trials are just going to make me stronger and best believe I’m a person of strength, look at how far I’ve come. You have this instilled within your mental... nothing stands a chance against you. You are the epitome of strength and power.

Even as I write this right now, I’m enduring a positive shift. I tell you what, I actually feel fucking great. I’m gonna stop this entry right here... One you’ve heard what you need to hear… but most importantly, I’ve established a spark which I’m about to go transform into a full-fledged fire. I have some work to do and I’m off to get it done.

Be brave. Hold courage. Explore gratitude. Keep fighting. x