THIS CAN’T BE LIVING

13-04-2019



I want it to be over,
I want to be free,
From all of this emotion,
Surrounding me.

I want it to be over,
Can't take it no more,
This can't be living,
This life that I know.








I was sad. I was defeated. I was broken.

I woke up every day in an emotionally locked abyss with no hope, no faith, no life. If there was one positive I could see in my dreary life, it was that I could attain a forced insensibility. My movement construct was seemingly designed purely for the consumption of dark liquor, as alcoholism engulfed my identity. The once angelic drink, used to mask my feelings and set me free; but I crossed the fucking line with it. Once you take it too far and cross that unidentifiable line, you can't go back, period; but if I'm being 100% truthful, that didn't really matter at the time. The dependency on feeling suppression wasn't even relevant now, as the morbid realism of there being no internal feeling whatsoever, was adamant.

Numb as fuck. I felt nothing; no happiness, no sadness, no fear, no hope. I was constantly viewing the world through black cellophane. An unimaginable dark tint smothered every inch of my surrounding. It didn't feel wrong, not at all… I'm not saying it felt right; it just was what it was.

Day in day out, night after night, monotony was well established. The same shit, on a loop. A messed up groundhog day where everything remained the same, except my health and wellbeing; that shit was on a major decline. For someone who already suffers from insomnia, there was an exceedingly massive decrease of sleep in my life. Along with sleep deprivation, there was hideously poor dieting, alcoholism, zero attempt of fitness other than maudlin wasted dancing, and sustainably fleeting relationships.

Laid out on my ass with no one around to help me up (with thoughts of - “is getting up even what I want?”) I was beyond stuck. My whole family lived in a completely different state to me; from them I was hidden. With multiple family members facing cancers, recent deaths, and the like; there was no way I was going to burden them with another hard truth. In that moment I chose to protect them by shielding them from my truth, even though that meant that I was taking another hit; I was perfectly okay with that, they didn't deserve my troubles. I had friends and work colleagues around, but I couldn't tell them shit. The only shimmer of self-pride I was clinging to in my life was the fact that people thought I was okay. I thought that in that moment, if everyone around me thought I was okay, then there was at least some hope… right? wrong. I also believed that if I let those around me know that I was weak and severely struggling, that I was completely lost. That thought was definitely correct. I was so close to the edge, so close to giving in, that I couldn't bring myself to surrender that last straw; or it would be the end of me.

I was enduring the lowest low I had ever heard of, let alone ever been in. As an understatement, I was depressed as shit. I've dealt with mild depression, for what I feel like has been my whole life, but this shit? this shit is next level man. For real, it's indescribable, I can't even comprehend what kind of state this is. I thought I knew what low was, I thought I was good with it, I thought I was strong enough to beat it; but damn was I wrong.

Broken, alone, drowning, and rapidly losing faith in ever surfacing - I sat alone with my mind… Is this it for me?

Now hang on a minute, what the fuck is this for a life? Can you honestly read this and say that you want that?

That’s exactly where my mind went. A defence mechanism kicked in that I didn't even know I had - just as the vehicle nearly ran out of gas, it switched to the sub tank. My first thought was “WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I NEEDED IT BEFORE!?” but that brainwave was quickly swallowed by gratitude. and yes, by gratitude, I mean an over exaggeratedly frantic plea to be pulled out of the depths.

I clung to that mother-fucking rope like it was heaven sent. It wasn't pulling me out, but it didn't faze me because at least there was hope. Running through a tortuous darkness to see a slither of light in a crack up ahead, it was damn near enough to bring me to tears. All that strength, resilience, courage and mental hardness which I thought was long gone, had resurfaced and come back into play.
Right.
So where to now?

Now we rebuild.





If this content has been triggering, or resonates with a hardship you are currently suffering,know that you are never alone. I urge you to reach out to those you trust.If you feel that you can’t reach out to someone you know,the incredible people at our mental health helplines can have your back.

BEYOND BLUE:
Helpline: 1300 224 636
Online Support Chat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au

LIFELINE:
Helpline: 13 11 14
Online Support Chat: https://www.lifeline.org.au

If a life is in danger, Call 000.














JESSE

TEINAKI