Selfish

13-05-2019



Mental health issues make you so unknowingly, but so undeniably selfish...

I know that sounds extremely harsh to say, but there's a whole lot of truth in it. Don't get me wrong, I have sooo much empathy for anyone who struggles with mind twists of any kind, as I can majorly relate from battling my own. But you have to see where I'm coming from...

Here's a clear example you can relate it to:
I recently had an episode; endured one of the biggest anxiety attacks I've had in a long time and witnessed the first revisit of the dark wolf at my door since I've been on top of it.

It was a normal Friday at work, sun was out, everyone was in a cheerful mood because TFIF and the weekend is here!! The day started off normal, super chill morning, casually working into midday when it hit me. Like a ton of fucking bricks. No trigger. No warning. I felt as though I was just run over by a freight train at full speed.

Mentally flattened I was fucked. Stuck doesn't even begin to describe it. My fight or flight mode had me running for the hills straight away. In fear of losing my shit for good I had to bail, straight away.

My first victims were the people I work with. I gave them no respect, I didn't care, rude and blunt I told them an excuse, fiercely brushed off their sympathy votes, and bailed.

My second victim was my best friend. I had bailed from work and let me just say that hyperventilating and freaking out while you're driving is NOT good (never do this). I knew that it was a bad situation, so I made the call. The best friend helpline that I have on speed dial answered as always. With no hesitation and instant understanding of where I was at, with persistence, they navigated through conversation until I was calm enough to claim that I had my shit together. It was just a normal Friday and I paid no mind to the idea that they could be busy, or I could be ruining their day with my draining and toxic energy. I didn't seem to care in that state of mind. They answered the call and helped none the less.

This was all in the first 15 minutes of the episode. You can imagine a whole day of toxic negative energy released and spreading over those around me. When you start to feel like you're impacting people negatively it tends to drive the situation for worse. With that in mind I tried to isolate myself in my room but the energy was beginning to manifest, and when it reached saturation I started going crazy.

I reached out to who I thought could offer me some assistance in coping. Among a few other important people in my life, the next victim was my mum. Caring and empathetic as always she rushed to the phone with non-stop assurance of support. Hearing of trouble in your son is not a good day for a mother. But she persisted and sacrificed to help me anyway.

This went on for hours. Matter of fact - it's still going on right now as I'm writing this. I'm actually running late to a dinner so I can write this, because I feel I need to. The whole situation is me, me, me. That's all I see anyway... I guess I just feel bad.

There's a few more important layers to this though. Those in your corner will say that it's completely fine, and that's what these people in your life are there for! After all, a relationship is being there for someone when they need you. There's also the point from those who suffer, the difficulty of gaining control, and that reach for selflessness - it's damn near impossible - I'm definitely not saying you need to learn to be selfless, and I'm definitely not saying you shouldn't reach out.

Well what are you saying?

I'm glad you asked. All I'm saying is that this shit is going to happen; whether you like it or not. Recognise those who are there for you, recognise those who are in your corner. Appreciate the shit out of them because they're honestly SO invaluable it's beyond words. Also a side note - recognise that you aren't the only one going through this. If you see someone having a hard time, if you can, help out. I'm not saying do the world for them if that's not your relationship with them, but even minor things can make all the difference in someone's life.

I don't consider myself damaged or broken by any means. Yes, I go through some shit sometimes which I like sharing with you, but it's not all that I am. In saying that, I know that dealing with me is draining at times, but the people in my corner persist to support me out of love, endlessly, none the less.

You know who you all are. I recognise you. You know I do. I love you. Thank you xx


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