I've lived with this inner dark feeling for a long time.
I will most likely have to live with it forever.
Yes I slip up a lot, yes I fall into darkness from time to time, it’s been a part of my life for as long as I’ve known…
but hear me when I say - this does NOT define me.

Don't get me wrong when I talk about these issues, they're authentic in all their miserable glory. I know I can feel broken, or lost, or like I'm mentally ill. It's crazy messed up over here sometimes; but I just want to make it clear that it's not all that I am.

Just because my mental isn't at 100% every minute of the day, it doesn't mean that I'm mentally ill. Just because I don't always feel complete, it doesn't mean that I'm completely broken. I've been there… I know how easy it is to label yourself as all of these things in your head. Although I know there seems to be merit for this labelling at times, that doesn't mean it's correct. If I clean a scratch, put a Band-Aid on it and call myself a Doctor - Does that mean I am a Doctor? Excuse my lack in depth with this analogy, but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

The labels I had placed on myself for most of my life up until now have been nothing short of horrible and demeaning; I identified myself as a negative person and thus, labelled my life negatively. I identified myself as broken and always in need of healing. I’d constantly confess how horrible my life was to everyone that I spoke to. Without sharing details, I openly confessed that I wasn’t in a good place so effortlessly. So in turn, almost every single person I knew had dark vibes nailed to my association. I veered away from relationships with people, stubbornly owning that I wasn’t ready or able to commit, because I wasn't whole within myself. I stood in the sun and called it a gloomy day. With my own mind, I created a negative identity for myself.

Once you’ve crafted an identity; how hard is it to change? Is that identity able to be changed? Was I capable of changing? Did I even deserve to change? I mean I’m out here forcing myself to be this, to walk this path, to live this life; I did this, to myself, on purpose. There’s no one else to blame but me. So get this - I’m failing through depression and darkness and fell into the hole of an even further negative identity crisis; only to add more self-loathing, more self-doubt and more self-blame to the fucking endless list. But it’s up to me alone to fix it?! What a fucked up situation that is. How the fuck am I meant to do that? Maybe I’ll just give up…

Identity crisis is a MASSIVE issue in society around us today. Most people we know are either going through it now, or have had issues with it in the past. It’s not uncommon in present day for people to go through identity crisis multiple times in their life. Who are you? Who do you want to be? It can be an extremely difficult question. I always talk about how the hardest question I’ve ever faced never had anything to do with Math, or Science, or History, or any of that… it was that ‘simple’ question you had to fill out sometimes which was the ‘About You’ section. I always left it blank, I never knew what the hell I was meant to write down there. Did you?

In the moment it was so hard to know, but looking back on it I could tell you EXACTLY who I was. Think about that sentiment for a moment. It’s pretty huge... Let me break it down for you. In a place where you think you don’t know a single thing about who you are and what your identity is, all it takes is looking at it from a different place and holding a new perspective on the situation. If that’s the case, can we adopt and adapt? By that I mean, can we use the ideology involved with the above sentiment and apply it to our current life? I speak generally here - if we’re lost on who we are, can we try approach it in a way where we’re chasing a new perspective. Like most things, if it’s not working you should probably change your method, right? So, if the way we view ourselves and are trying to discover ourselves isn’t working... let’s change that.

I was in a place where I was so extremely lost, and I made the mistake of identifying myself in a horrible manner because that was all I saw in that state of misguided perspective. So I had to change how I viewed things. I wrote everything down; who I thought I was, where I thought I was, the issues I thought I had. What I did next was what changed everything for me; I wrote down who I wanted to be. Where I wanted to be. And how I thought I could positively change to move forward in that direction. It’s actually ridiculous how simple this sounds as I’m writing this out now... but this took me a daaamn long time to find. So here’s me trying to hand you the key, a step toward potentially unlocking your being.

I’m not saying this is THE answer, or YOUR answer, it may not work for you.

But what if it does?

As you read through my entries you’ll notice that I talk about certain topics and then offer some advice, insight, or opinion. But you should also know that this is just my view through personal experiences I’ve endured in my life so far. I know I’ll help people with what I’m doing, but I also know that it won’t apply to a lot of people. I’m okay with that, I’ve worked through where I want to be, who I want to be and what I want to be doing. I’ve identified my desired identity. I know posting all of this honesty so publicly signs me up to live a life that’s not considered ordinary in nature. Seriously, I’m okay with it - for now. In the future that might change. But I do know that as long as I am present within myself right now, that everything will eventuate into what it’s destined to be. In a more relaxed approach - I’m focusing on my right now, doing what I need to do right now, planning what I need to right now, and being my true present self while doing so.

So now I want you to sit back and ask yourself,

Who are you? Free of labels, free of judgement, truly just being…

Photograph by ReeFocus